I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
