I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize