Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
