Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
