What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
