When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
