grandma shit on top of the toilet
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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