obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
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