Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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