also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
