Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
