We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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