i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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