there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
