grandma shit on top of the toilet
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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