Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
