I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
