I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
