totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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