she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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