When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize
