Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
