Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
We left the knife in your bed.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
