I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Randomize
