You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
