You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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