and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
