During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
