I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
