I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I believe in your delicious
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
