I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You made out with two different species that night
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
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