these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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