Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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