And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize