and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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