At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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