Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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