Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
