You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
