I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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