He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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