Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
