I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
