Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
