I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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