u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
