if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
