so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
organizing the empties. That sober.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Drake has all the answers
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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