I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
