The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
