At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
