And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
we made out on top of his cat.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Randomize
