You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
