the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
A bitchslap is in order.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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