And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
