My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
the liver wants what the liver wants
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
