remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
