A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Buhtt sex?
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
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