i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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