I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
