i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just pee around me
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
