I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
