Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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