so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
