walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
