you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
