the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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